six months

I told myself six months ago, in the midst of all my pain and questioning after the break-up, that time would heal my heart and it would get better. I told myself to just be in the moment, feel what I needed to feel and that somehow, it would be better. I knew this in my head, but my heart struggled to believe.

In September I bought Henri Nouwen's book, The Inner Voice of Love. It seemed like a great book to read during my sad days. I remember the place, the time of day, the feeling I had -- the very moment that I read the quote below. It's what I wanted, what I yearned for, what I needed and in that moment I claimed it for myself and made it my goal for the following months.

"You are becoming aware of how close Jesus is to you. He holds you safe in his love. At times, memories of past events and fantasies about the future pierce your heart, but these painful incidents have become less frightening, less devastating, less paralyzing. It almost seems as if they are necessary reminders of your need to stay close -- very close -- to Jesus.
You know that something ... truly unique, is happening within you. It is clear that something in you is dying and something is being born. [...] You feel a strange sadness. An enormous loneliness emerges, but you are not frightened. You feel vulnerable but safe at the same time. Jesus is where you are, and you can trust that he will show you the next step." pg.  16-17

After reading the quote again, I realize that yes, these last six months have been hard and full of a ton of questions, tears, doubts, fears, anger, and sadness. But those were also the catalyst for me to come to Jesus over and over again. I brought Him all those feelings, all those thoughts, all those burdens and He helped me carry them. He walked with me, and in the process they became "necessary reminders" of my need to stay close to Jesus. 

In the months following the break up, I would think back and remember the past months and memories would play in my head; I would relive the ups & downs of the spring and summer romance I shared and at the end of the memory, it would pierce my heart. I would be sad all over again and have to remind myself that in this instance, time is my friend.

The new Cinderella movie is my absolute favorite. I've watched it probably one hundred times already and hopefully will watch it hundreds more. There's this scene towards the beginning when Cinderella walked through the field after her mother died, leaning on her father and the voice of the Fairy Godmother said, "Time passed, and pain turned to memory." This is the truest thing that can be said for these last six months. 

I am able to now look back with thankfulness for the gift that was given and not be upset that it was taken away. Jesus held me safe in his love during the pain and still holds me safe in the memory of it. 

And now, six months older and hopefully wiser, I'm happy to say that time really has healed my heart. I would even dare to say that I am ready to try again. I think I'm ready to be vulnerable again. To be seen. To be heard. To risk. To open up my heart to another man. But only because "Jesus is where I am and I can trust that He will show me the next step" today and tomorrow.

{which is hopefully towards a handsome, Jesus' loving dude ... One can hope.}