We met in college fall of 2008 and have stuck together ever since. She can literally make me cry from laughter, feel safe to tell her anything and everything, and know that I am loved no matter how dumb I act. She is a treasure.
Tonight I got to chat with her via FaceTime and after an hour of talking, laughing, sharing stories, and laughing some more she asked me how she can be praying for me this week ... queue to dump-truck of emotion/thoughts/feelings swirling around in my head and my heart.
These last two weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions and I've really just had to put on my big girl pants and get through it. I got another big "no" from a job I wanted & had to move out of my beloved house 3 days after Christmas . So when she asked that question, I was finally able stop & process what I've been thinking and feeling these past couple of weeks, which mainly centers around a couple big questions: "have I been making the right decisions?!" ... "is God really trustworthy?!" ... and "when will I find out what this season is all about?!"
These questions keep coming up because this year has been crazy:
March/April: Got offered my dream job to work at camp (but it was temporary), started a serious dating relationship ...
May: Took a leap of faith and quit my steady job I had for 5+ years and went to camp ...
June/July: Worked at dream job (loved every minute of it!), relationship grew more serious ...
August: Boyfriend broke-up with me unexpectedly, Camp ended; hit with double depression ...
Sept: Took a job that was completely out of my wheel-house and failed miserably ...
Oct: Resigned from said job, started applying for jobs ...
Nov: Got lots of "no's" from jobs I'd applied for ...
Dec: Our landlord sold the house I'd lived in for 5 years, moved out 3 days after Christmas, still no job ...
Jan: In a new house, got another big "no" from a great job, running out of money ...
THUS brings us to the questions I've been asking ... "have I been making the right decisions?!" ... "is God really trustworthy?!" ... and "when will I find out what this season is all about?!"
Through all of this I've had really great opportunities to share my story and share with people all the amazing things I'm learning about myself and God {which is A LOT}, but reality is, I'm rounding the corner towards 4 months of no job and I told Alicia that the "no's" keep piling up and I'm getting tired of hearing "you are really great, but we went in another direction" ... to which she said something to the effect of, "you know, when you reach the end of your limit of 'no's', that's when Jesus steps in."
No less than 5 mins after we say our goodbyes Alicia sends me a text with a link to a devotional that completely confirms the questions, thoughts, and prayers we shared with each other.
My Utmost for His Highest:
"... But then he [Peter] came completely to the end of
himself and all of his self-sufficiency. There was no part of himself he would
ever rely on again. In his state of destitution, he was finally ready to
receive all that the risen Lord had for him ... When we come to the end of
ourselves, not just mentally but completely, we are able to “receive the Holy
Spirit.” “Receive the Holy Spirit” — the idea is that of invasion. There is now
only One who directs the course of your life, the Lord Jesus Christ." {read the rest here: http://utmost.org/}
It's true, I'm getting close to reaching my end, because I want more for this season of life than just relying/trusting in God -- I want something tangible, like a J-O-B ...... but right now, at least today and probably tomorrow, the answer is Jesus. And I have to remind myself that when I reach my end, it's just the beginning for God to step in and do His thing, whatever it ends up being.
So here's to trusting Jesus even when it's scary and to amazing friends who love reach out, listen and sit with me in this strange place.
1st Peter 1:6
"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
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