six months

I told myself six months ago, in the midst of all my pain and questioning after the break-up, that time would heal my heart and it would get better. I told myself to just be in the moment, feel what I needed to feel and that somehow, it would be better. I knew this in my head, but my heart struggled to believe.

In September I bought Henri Nouwen's book, The Inner Voice of Love. It seemed like a great book to read during my sad days. I remember the place, the time of day, the feeling I had -- the very moment that I read the quote below. It's what I wanted, what I yearned for, what I needed and in that moment I claimed it for myself and made it my goal for the following months.

"You are becoming aware of how close Jesus is to you. He holds you safe in his love. At times, memories of past events and fantasies about the future pierce your heart, but these painful incidents have become less frightening, less devastating, less paralyzing. It almost seems as if they are necessary reminders of your need to stay close -- very close -- to Jesus.
You know that something ... truly unique, is happening within you. It is clear that something in you is dying and something is being born. [...] You feel a strange sadness. An enormous loneliness emerges, but you are not frightened. You feel vulnerable but safe at the same time. Jesus is where you are, and you can trust that he will show you the next step." pg.  16-17

After reading the quote again, I realize that yes, these last six months have been hard and full of a ton of questions, tears, doubts, fears, anger, and sadness. But those were also the catalyst for me to come to Jesus over and over again. I brought Him all those feelings, all those thoughts, all those burdens and He helped me carry them. He walked with me, and in the process they became "necessary reminders" of my need to stay close to Jesus. 

In the months following the break up, I would think back and remember the past months and memories would play in my head; I would relive the ups & downs of the spring and summer romance I shared and at the end of the memory, it would pierce my heart. I would be sad all over again and have to remind myself that in this instance, time is my friend.

The new Cinderella movie is my absolute favorite. I've watched it probably one hundred times already and hopefully will watch it hundreds more. There's this scene towards the beginning when Cinderella walked through the field after her mother died, leaning on her father and the voice of the Fairy Godmother said, "Time passed, and pain turned to memory." This is the truest thing that can be said for these last six months. 

I am able to now look back with thankfulness for the gift that was given and not be upset that it was taken away. Jesus held me safe in his love during the pain and still holds me safe in the memory of it. 

And now, six months older and hopefully wiser, I'm happy to say that time really has healed my heart. I would even dare to say that I am ready to try again. I think I'm ready to be vulnerable again. To be seen. To be heard. To risk. To open up my heart to another man. But only because "Jesus is where I am and I can trust that He will show me the next step" today and tomorrow.

{which is hopefully towards a handsome, Jesus' loving dude ... One can hope.}

End of Himself

You know when you have a great conversation and you leave it feeling so encouraged, uplifted and hopeful? I am beyond blessed to have those pretty much every time I talk to my dear friend Alicia.

We met in college fall of 2008 and have stuck together ever since. She can literally make me cry from laughter, feel safe to tell her anything and everything, and know that I am loved no matter how dumb I act. She is a treasure.

Tonight I got to chat with her via FaceTime and after an hour of talking, laughing, sharing stories, and laughing some more she asked me how she can be praying for me this week ... queue to dump-truck of emotion/thoughts/feelings swirling around in my head and my heart.

These last two weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions and I've really just had to put on my big girl pants and get through it. I got another big "no" from a job I wanted & had to move out of my beloved house 3 days after Christmas . So when she asked that question, I was finally able stop & process what I've been thinking and feeling these past couple of weeks, which mainly centers around a couple big questions: "have I been making the right decisions?!" ... "is God really trustworthy?!" ... and "when will I find out what this season is all about?!"

These questions keep coming up because this year has been crazy:
March/April: Got offered my dream job to work at camp (but it was temporary), started a serious dating relationship ...
May: Took a leap of faith and quit my steady job I had for 5+ years and went to camp ...
June/July: Worked at dream job (loved every minute of it!), relationship grew more serious ...
August: Boyfriend broke-up with me unexpectedly, Camp ended; hit with double depression ...
Sept: Took a job that was completely out of my wheel-house and failed miserably ...
Oct: Resigned from said job, started applying for jobs ...
Nov: Got lots of "no's" from jobs I'd applied for ...
Dec: Our landlord sold the house I'd lived in for 5 years, moved out 3 days after Christmas, still no job ...
Jan: In a new house, got another big "no" from a great job, running out of money ...

THUS brings us to the questions I've been asking ... "have I been making the right decisions?!" ... "is God really trustworthy?!" ... and "when will I find out what this season is all about?!"

Through all of this I've had really great opportunities to share my story and share with people all the amazing things I'm learning about myself and God {which is A LOT}, but reality is, I'm rounding the corner towards 4 months of no job and I told Alicia that the "no's" keep piling up and I'm getting tired of hearing "you are really great, but we went in another direction" ... to which she said something to the effect of, "you know, when you reach the end of your limit of 'no's', that's when Jesus steps in."

No less than 5 mins after we say our goodbyes Alicia sends me a text with a link to a devotional that completely confirms the questions, thoughts, and prayers we shared with each other.

My Utmost for His Highest:
"... But then he [Peter] came completely to the end of himself and all of his self-sufficiency. There was no part of himself he would ever rely on again. In his state of destitution, he was finally ready to receive all that the risen Lord had for him ... When we come to the end of ourselves, not just mentally but completely, we are able to “receive the Holy Spirit.” “Receive the Holy Spirit” — the idea is that of invasion. There is now only One who directs the course of your life, the Lord Jesus Christ."  {read the rest here: http://utmost.org/}

It's true, I'm getting close to reaching my end, because I want more for this season of life than just relying/trusting in God -- I want something tangible, like a J-O-B ...... but right now, at least today and probably tomorrow, the answer is Jesus. And I have to remind myself that when I reach my end, it's just the beginning for God to step in and do His thing, whatever it ends up being. 

I will keep praying everyday for a job/money/direction/wisdom/etc. and trust that God will provide for my every need. I will keep coming to God and trusted friends with honest vulnerable questions and be real about the season of my life. I will keep believing that God always chooses the best path for me, that He isn't being mean by withholding something good from me, but that He is leading me to something better. And I will keep hoping that the perfect door will open at the perfect time, because without hope, we have nothing really. 

So here's to trusting Jesus even when it's scary and to amazing friends who love reach out, listen and sit with me in this strange place.

1st Peter 1:6 

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

Midnight Musings

For some reason I do my best thinking late at night, usually after everyone heads to bed. I come by it honestly from my father, me and him were the night owls in the family while everyone else hits the hay around 9pm ... I tell you all this because it's midnight and I'm writing, when I should be sleeping, but whatever.

A couple Sundays ago at my church we read over the Luke 2 passage. I'm going to put just a portion of the story here, but you should read the whole thing.

Luke 2 : 1 - 16 ... "At that time a proclamation was made by Caesar Augustus that all the inhabited world should be registered. This was the first census, ... Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to David’s town, Bethlehem, in Judea, because he was a direct descendant of David, to be registered with his future wife, Mary, now in the later stages of her pregnancy. So it happened that it was while they were there in Bethlehem that she came to the end of her time. She gave birth to her first child, a son. And as there was no place for them inside the inn, she wrapped him up and laid him in a manger.  [...] When the angels left them and went back into Heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Now let us go straight to Bethlehem and see this thing which the Lord has made known to us.” So they came as fast as they could and they found Mary and Joseph—and the baby lying in the manger." (Phillips)

After the pastor read this passage he drew our attention to the fact that ...

all of the story was a part of God's perfect plan.

I had never thought about it that way ... everything in that story was a part of God's plan?
* Even the whole traveling with a pregnant lady on the back of a donkey?
* Even the part of the story where they went to a town flooded with people because of the census?
* Even not having lodging reservations and having to give birth in a cave?
* Even putting a new born baby in a animal's feeding trough/manger?
* Even giving a message to some random shepherds standing in a random field?

With all these questions I had a million reasons why that wouldn't be MY PERFECT PLAN. Cause if it were me, I would have not traveled when I was NINE MONTHS pregnant, on a donkey no less ... and IF I traveled to a new place I sure as heck would have researched the destination and found a nice Airbnb to stay in because there is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that I would have shown up without reservations {homey don't play like that} ... And because I grew up on a farm, I know what animal feeding troughs look like: LOTS of animal snot, dirt, flies, and old slobbery hay. So yea, I for sure wouldn't want to put a baby, nevermind the new-born Savior of the world, in an animal trough.

But THIS WAS ALL part of God's perfect plan ... ?

Then it hit me. What if I'm missing out on a part of God's perfect plan for my life when I control things? 

You see, I'm in a season of life right now where I really don't have a lot of control over circumstances. I can see this maybe being a good thing, because CONTROL has been my silent mantra since birth. I was raised to be a strong independent & intelligent women, who takes care of myself without too much dependence on anyone -- but now that I think about it, I wonder if that gets in the way of God's perfect plan? Maybe this is happening for a reason? Maybe this is a time I can practice loosening my grip of control? 

How often do I miss the simple beauty of God's perfect plan in the form of a manger?

{too many to count}

So now, my prayer is to open my eyes to God's perfect provision, His perfect plan, and if I don't see it immediately, then I pray I can have the courage to sit and wait, trusting that He has everything taken care of, even down to the last detail, because I don't want to miss the simple beauty of God's perfect plan.

His disposal

Today I spent my morning perusing job openings online with a heavy heart. Nothing seems to peak my interest and I'm losing hope. This whole time of unemployment I've actually had high spirits and an strong trust that God has it all under control ... but today I'm a little shaky.

When I feel this way I often journal to get my thoughts on paper and pray as I write. It's a sort of dialogue with God full of questions, prayers, pleadings, and it usually ends with me saying something like, "I don't get this, but you do God. Help me." That is today.

After I spent time scribbling my thoughts, I opened the book I've been reading to today's spot.

Keeping a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot, The Supremacy of Christ
                "Sometimes I am asked to speak to young people who are toying with the idea of being missionaries. They want to know how I discovered the will of God. The first thing was to settle once and for all the supremacy of Christ in my life, I tell them. I put myself utterly and forever at His disposal, which means turning over all the rights to myself, my body, my self-image, my notions of how I am to serve my Master ... I tell these earnest kids that the will of God is always different from what they expect, always bigger, and ultimately, infinitely more glorious than their wildest imaginings.
               But there are deaths to die. Paul found that out -- daily, he said. That is the price of following the way of the cross -- of course. If our object is to save others we must be clear that we cannot save ourselves. Jesus couldn't either.
               This scares people. Yet what is there to fear when Christ holds first place in our lives? Where, other than in the will of the Father, shall we expect to find significance, security, and serenity? ... I cannot imagine a more wonderfully blessed life than mine. Faithfulness of a loving Father -- that's what I've found, every day of every week of every year, and it gets better."

God's will has always been a mystery to me, some illusive thing that every Christian should know and yet they don't. Why is that? Maybe it's because, if it's actually as if Elisabeth Elliot wrote we don't want it. It scares us. It scares me. To put myself utterly and forever at His disposal, turning over all my rights, experiencing death of dreams, hopes, or even people. Yea, I'd say that's scary stuff. And yet Elisabeth reminds us that there is no fear when Christ is present. He is the giver of significance, security and serenity which is the exact opposite of being scared. It's peace.

"... the will of God is always different from what they expect, always bigger, and ultimately, infinitely more glorious than their wildest imaginings."

Am I willing to surrender my plans, hopes, dreams, desires, expectations in order to discover the will of God?

Today, I say yes. And I will try to say yes again tomorrow and the next day. Because I have to believe that if Elisabeth Elliott, who experienced all that she did {read about her life} and still says that she "cannot imagine a more wonderfully blessed life" must be on to something. Maybe in the end surrender isn't so bad after all.

Reading this today helped me put all my worries into perspective and though I don't know what the future holds {when or if I'll get a job}, I do know from experience that God is a faithful and loving Father and that I can trust in HIM every day, every week and every year.