Midnight Musings

For some reason I do my best thinking late at night, usually after everyone heads to bed. I come by it honestly from my father, me and him were the night owls in the family while everyone else hits the hay around 9pm ... I tell you all this because it's midnight and I'm writing, when I should be sleeping, but whatever.

A couple Sundays ago at my church we read over the Luke 2 passage. I'm going to put just a portion of the story here, but you should read the whole thing.

Luke 2 : 1 - 16 ... "At that time a proclamation was made by Caesar Augustus that all the inhabited world should be registered. This was the first census, ... Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to David’s town, Bethlehem, in Judea, because he was a direct descendant of David, to be registered with his future wife, Mary, now in the later stages of her pregnancy. So it happened that it was while they were there in Bethlehem that she came to the end of her time. She gave birth to her first child, a son. And as there was no place for them inside the inn, she wrapped him up and laid him in a manger.  [...] When the angels left them and went back into Heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Now let us go straight to Bethlehem and see this thing which the Lord has made known to us.” So they came as fast as they could and they found Mary and Joseph—and the baby lying in the manger." (Phillips)

After the pastor read this passage he drew our attention to the fact that ...

all of the story was a part of God's perfect plan.

I had never thought about it that way ... everything in that story was a part of God's plan?
* Even the whole traveling with a pregnant lady on the back of a donkey?
* Even the part of the story where they went to a town flooded with people because of the census?
* Even not having lodging reservations and having to give birth in a cave?
* Even putting a new born baby in a animal's feeding trough/manger?
* Even giving a message to some random shepherds standing in a random field?

With all these questions I had a million reasons why that wouldn't be MY PERFECT PLAN. Cause if it were me, I would have not traveled when I was NINE MONTHS pregnant, on a donkey no less ... and IF I traveled to a new place I sure as heck would have researched the destination and found a nice Airbnb to stay in because there is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that I would have shown up without reservations {homey don't play like that} ... And because I grew up on a farm, I know what animal feeding troughs look like: LOTS of animal snot, dirt, flies, and old slobbery hay. So yea, I for sure wouldn't want to put a baby, nevermind the new-born Savior of the world, in an animal trough.

But THIS WAS ALL part of God's perfect plan ... ?

Then it hit me. What if I'm missing out on a part of God's perfect plan for my life when I control things? 

You see, I'm in a season of life right now where I really don't have a lot of control over circumstances. I can see this maybe being a good thing, because CONTROL has been my silent mantra since birth. I was raised to be a strong independent & intelligent women, who takes care of myself without too much dependence on anyone -- but now that I think about it, I wonder if that gets in the way of God's perfect plan? Maybe this is happening for a reason? Maybe this is a time I can practice loosening my grip of control? 

How often do I miss the simple beauty of God's perfect plan in the form of a manger?

{too many to count}

So now, my prayer is to open my eyes to God's perfect provision, His perfect plan, and if I don't see it immediately, then I pray I can have the courage to sit and wait, trusting that He has everything taken care of, even down to the last detail, because I don't want to miss the simple beauty of God's perfect plan.

His disposal

Today I spent my morning perusing job openings online with a heavy heart. Nothing seems to peak my interest and I'm losing hope. This whole time of unemployment I've actually had high spirits and an strong trust that God has it all under control ... but today I'm a little shaky.

When I feel this way I often journal to get my thoughts on paper and pray as I write. It's a sort of dialogue with God full of questions, prayers, pleadings, and it usually ends with me saying something like, "I don't get this, but you do God. Help me." That is today.

After I spent time scribbling my thoughts, I opened the book I've been reading to today's spot.

Keeping a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot, The Supremacy of Christ
                "Sometimes I am asked to speak to young people who are toying with the idea of being missionaries. They want to know how I discovered the will of God. The first thing was to settle once and for all the supremacy of Christ in my life, I tell them. I put myself utterly and forever at His disposal, which means turning over all the rights to myself, my body, my self-image, my notions of how I am to serve my Master ... I tell these earnest kids that the will of God is always different from what they expect, always bigger, and ultimately, infinitely more glorious than their wildest imaginings.
               But there are deaths to die. Paul found that out -- daily, he said. That is the price of following the way of the cross -- of course. If our object is to save others we must be clear that we cannot save ourselves. Jesus couldn't either.
               This scares people. Yet what is there to fear when Christ holds first place in our lives? Where, other than in the will of the Father, shall we expect to find significance, security, and serenity? ... I cannot imagine a more wonderfully blessed life than mine. Faithfulness of a loving Father -- that's what I've found, every day of every week of every year, and it gets better."

God's will has always been a mystery to me, some illusive thing that every Christian should know and yet they don't. Why is that? Maybe it's because, if it's actually as if Elisabeth Elliot wrote we don't want it. It scares us. It scares me. To put myself utterly and forever at His disposal, turning over all my rights, experiencing death of dreams, hopes, or even people. Yea, I'd say that's scary stuff. And yet Elisabeth reminds us that there is no fear when Christ is present. He is the giver of significance, security and serenity which is the exact opposite of being scared. It's peace.

"... the will of God is always different from what they expect, always bigger, and ultimately, infinitely more glorious than their wildest imaginings."

Am I willing to surrender my plans, hopes, dreams, desires, expectations in order to discover the will of God?

Today, I say yes. And I will try to say yes again tomorrow and the next day. Because I have to believe that if Elisabeth Elliott, who experienced all that she did {read about her life} and still says that she "cannot imagine a more wonderfully blessed life" must be on to something. Maybe in the end surrender isn't so bad after all.

Reading this today helped me put all my worries into perspective and though I don't know what the future holds {when or if I'll get a job}, I do know from experience that God is a faithful and loving Father and that I can trust in HIM every day, every week and every year.

Chin up now, Pip Pip

In the midst of my day yesterday I decided to take a little break to watch some Disney short videos that were newly released on Netflix. Some of them I had already seen, so I happily re-watched them and colored in my coloring book {it's very therapeutic}.
After a little while "The Ballard of Nessie" played, being narrated by the amazing voice of Billy Connolly {his Scottish accent is so dreamy}.

The story is about a creature that lived a perfectly content life in a small pond of water with her ducky friend, McQuack. We follow Nessie along her journey of finding a home amidst all of the ups and downs of life, seeing her cusp of tears when she runs into dead-ends ... At every turn her animal friends tell her to keep a stiff upper lip and not cry, to hold it back and be strong to 'chin up now, pip pip'.

Billy Connolly's thick Scottish accent pulled me in when he said, "Nessie finally pooped out, she'd reached the end of her rope. Where do you go when theres not more hope? She stifled a whimper and a lump in her throat; chin up now, pip pip, she recited ... What began as a trickle soon turned to a shower. Nessie cried and she cried, she cried by the hour ..."

When Nessie finally cried her last tear and looked up around her and realized her tears had made a loch ness, to which she jumped for joy, for she had finally found her home.

The story finishes off by saying "Nessie learned herself a lesson that bright and happy day, and it bears worth repeatin' no matter what folks may say: Don'ner be afraid to cry, it really is okay. Sometimes it's through our tears we find a better way."

{ link to video - http://dai.ly/xocp2a }

Sometimes life doesn't work out the way we think or the way we want or its just plain tough -- I get it, I've been there. And sometimes tears are the only way we know how to process, so let it out. Find a quiet place, jump in the hot shower, whatever you need to do to find a safe place and let it out. It's okay ... because sometimes it's through our tears we find a better way.

And I'll let you in on a secret. For me, Jesus is always there. In fact, He is sitting right beside you as you cry, wrapping his arms around you.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." 1 Peter 5:10

Letting go

Most of the time I'm doing fine and life feels okay. But then I see a note or a picture and it stops time. I am paralyzed with memories that come rushing back like a freight train, hitting my gut all over again.

Today it was a moment of undistracted silence sitting on the porch of my house. The thought hit me, "I shouldn't be here right now, I should be in Canada meeting his family like we planned ... Why was I sitting alone on the porch when I should have boarded a plane today?"  So many questions swirl around my brain -- and my heart and mind remembers: I'm sitting on the porch because he broke up with me. The man that I would have said "yes" to, broke up with me just 18 days ago. And so I sit on the porch and cry silent tears that fall down my face and hit my legs with a splash. I look to the sky and hope to hear something or feel something that will bring me comfort in this sad moment.

I guess that's one of the risky parts of relationships isn't it? You keep sharing, giving and building something with your guy, hoping it'll work, believing it'll work, seeing it work ... letting them have parts of your heart and falling for them. But then, out of no where he tells me he isn't feeling the same thing and he wants out. He is done. And I have no choice but  to let him walk away, to let him go.

18 days ago my mind tried to wrap itself around the thought that it actually happened, that he actually said those words ... and then my heart began to break. Heartbreak is so painful and yet there is no amount of medicine that can fix it. It's a dull ache all the time and then at the most random times it's an overwhelming sadness where tears seem to never stop. It's the feeling of being so alone even when you're surrounded by people. It's  feeling lost and having no words to speak and then being so mad that I just want to punch something.

Through sniffles I ask God all my questions while sitting alone on the porch. Most, if not all my questions started with "why...?!" I have so many questions, hurts, feelings ... and yet they remain unanswered. They probably will remain unanswered because he walked away from me and put a sad ending to our story.

Even though I didn't get a response back from above, I know Jesus heard me and there is a comfort in that. So ... I sit on the porch looking around telling myself that I'm here and not there meeting his family like we had planned ... and yet again, another moment hits me where I realize that I have to keep letting him go. To grief the memories and plans and to keep letting it go, releasing it like a ballon into the sky. Letting it drift up, up, and away, out of sight and hopefully one day, out of mind, allowing my heart to heal and risk again.

Being Brave

The past 6 months I've been reading a book that's been BLOWING my mind ... "Let's All Be Brave" by Annie F. Downs. Do yourself a favor and pause the reading so you can add it to your Amazon shopping cart, you won't regret it. Her writing It feels like you are sitting down with a friend for a coffee date. She is warm, funny, real, honest, and full of life giving truth.

I picked it up while dog-sitting at a friends house and couldn't put it down, a couple chapters in I finally lifted my head and took a deep breath, trying to remember all the GOOD STUFF that I had just read; looking over my highlights and stars next to really awesome sentences. Looking back now, this book came into my life at the absolutely perfect time and Jesus was preparing my heart for the big stuff He has lead me into this month, this week, and today.

I'm tempted to write down every awesome thing in the book, but I'll contain myself to the last big statements that have pushed me to really truly be brave.

"God is perfect (we are not). He sees the big picture (we do not). He knows everything (we do not). So I choose to believe in this -- that I am who I am on purpose, that the One who made me has a purpose and has unconditional love for me and those in my life." {pg. 38}

Therefore, these three things I must believe about myself and God ...

"(1) God made you on purpose and unique ... (2) God has called you to be brave ... (3) God will equip you to do it." {pg. 42}

 WHOA. Can we just take a second and realize how powerful those words are?! These words are game changers people. After reading that I asked myself, "what would my life look like if I truly believe those three things?" and then I started the journey of trying to be brave.

Just a couple weeks ago I got to the chapter "Let go" ... and boy was it a doozy. But the good kind where it goes straight to your gut and you just know that THIS is what you need to read, right now. You see, I had been going through some pretty big life stuff/decisions/processing (job stuff, future stuff, boy stuff, the list could go on ...) and I could sense God was calling me to something ... but I didn't know what it was.

And then he literally dropped it in my lap one night before bed.

"Letting go has always been hard for me. Yet I have seen, over and over again, that to simply let go is a powerful catalyst God will use to move me toward the next best thing. I couldn't grab hold of Nashville until I let go of Marietta. I couldn't grab hold of Edinburgh until I let go of Nashville. It's always nice, a wee bit easier, to let go when you know what you are grabbing hold of ... The deeper call for courage comes when you let go with nothing ahead to grab." {pg. 128}

I should just get it out there now: I'm a control freak (... in recovery?). But that was exactly it, God was calling me to let go. To open my hands. To let go of the illusion of control. More specifically, to say goodbye to something and hello to another thing. But guys, it was scary. Super scary. Because in that moment, I knew that God was calling me to LET GO, which meant that I had to say goodbye to a steady, dependable, paying, job and accept a new and exciting, but very temporary summer job.

Jesus was calling me to be brave, to let go and trust and to just do the next right thing. SO, that's what I did and he has met me every step of the way.

At times of doubt I would hear God saying to me,
"Kelly, do you trust me?"
... silence ... crickets ... 
"YES God, I do, I have to! You are my only option!"

Right there ... that was the BRAVE thing for me to do, to TRUST GOD in the middle of letting go and hoping that I don't fall on my face in front of everyone.

And so, I took the amazing, but temporary, dream job for the summer  and submitted my resignation at work ... then a wave of peace washed over me. I know this is the right decision for me. It has Jesus' finger prints all over it. To get even more real, I've been praying about this specific job at this specific camp for TWO YEARS, asking God for just one more chance to work at camp and He gave it to me. He handed it to me on a silver platter.

That's what being brave has been like for me and who knows ... maybe this piece of my story helps you to trust God just a little bit more. To be honest, I'm probably writing this more for me because I know, come late August when I have to look for another job after my amazing summer at camp ends, I'll need to remember how GOOD and FAITHFUL and LOVING and KIND God has been to me these last couple months, gently wooing me to follow Him, gently nudging me to take a risk, to pursue a dream, and to trust Him with everything.

{ currently listening to the "P.S. I Love You" soundtrack by John Powell, give it a listen, you won't be sorry ... }

"It's not you, it's me"

I feel like I should be a pro at reading those messages. You know the ones that come out of nowhere from the cute/nice/sweet guy (or girl) that you've been getting to know and then *BAM* you get a message that knocks the wind out of your sails.

"Hey, you're really great, but ..." 

"I'm just not ready for a relationship..." 

I don't know about you, but my mind races with questions and I start analyzing what I said, what he said, what did I do, what did I say?! { if I'm so great why are you ending this? why did you start talking to me then?! }

Then I think, I shouldn't be this bummed, I only talked with him for a couple weeks (or only went out on a couple dates), but if your heart hurts, it hurts. It kind of feels a little better knowing that I'm not the only one in this "it's not you, it's me" club, by way of friends telling me "oh girl, I know how you feel, really", but it still sucks. It more than sucks, it hurts my heart. And it makes me sad. { I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm smad. } Gilmore Girls reference anyone?

I think I'll need a couple days to recover from the this one ... to build up my confidence to go back out there, because realistically, if I want a relationship, I have to keep putting myself out there, even if it means I could get hurt again. 

A dear friend of mine would always tell me that dating is like applying for a job. You gotta keep filling out the applications, updating your resume, and going to interviews ... even after you get the 10th or 20th rejection letter saying you aren't a good fit for the company.

So I gave myself permission to feel sad/bummed/mad/whatever today and reached out to friends at work asking for a "cheer me up" lunch where I could drown my sorrows in Red Robin Parmesan fries. Then we got Starbucks and laughed. After lunch a little of the hurt was replaced with gratitude for good friends and a sunny day, and my life didn't seem so terrible after all. And maybe in a couple days I'll find that I'm ready to be brave and talk to another guy.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for good friends who are so encouraging to me, especially when they send me texts like this ...

Spill the Beans

I've always had a dream of wanting to be on the radio ... so a couple month ago when I thought of that dream again, I realized that I could actually do it via a Podcast! A couple days later I bought a microphone, did a little research and dove right in. I asked my Facebook friends for help in naming it and after many great suggestions I decided on ... Spill the Beans.

Pretty great right? :)

And now the day has come that I have my first episode on iTunes (is this real life?!) and my dream is coming true.

I have no idea if this will work, if people other than my mom will listen, if people will like it or not ... but I'm excited that I went after a dream and made it happen.

So now ... its time to listen to my first episode! The topic was "Childhood Crushes". Thank you to my wonderful roommates who joined me in sharing some great stories of our experiences of young love.

I hope you enjoy!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/spill-the-beans/id980432501